Being in a healthy, committed relationship with someone who shares your values and interests can be incredibly rewarding. The learning curve to achieve the intimacy you desire, however, may seem challenging or elusive. Many people dread ending up in a sex-poor relationship, and you might already be there. You want to get to that place of consistent and fulfilling intimacy, but when so many of your friends and relatives say they hardly ever make love, you wonder if that’s realistic.
Reading “how to” books, or using romantic gestures like giving small gifts, having heart-to-heart talks or preparing intimate meals are helpful to a point, but after the lingerie and boxer shorts are on the floor, many people are still left asking, “what comes next?” This basic primer leads you—step-by-step—through sex. It’s a great place to start, whether you’re just embarking on a new sexual relationship or if sex with your partner is getting stale.
Start with an unhurried meal for you and your partner. Keep food and alcohol light; heavy foods can make you feel lethargic, and alcohol inhibits performance. Look into each other’s eyes, touch and feed each other if that feels natural. Focus on conversation that connects you; save the subjects of problems and dilemmas for another time. After the meal, skip cleaning the kitchen or fussing over your appearance. Brushing your teeth is enough of a pre-sex routine. Then, move to the bedroom.
Start kissing and fondling; take turns fondling each other or fondle simultaneously. Male partners enjoy a firm touch. Start with his penis and move to his testicles, buttocks, and nipples. Female partners enjoy a lighter touch start. Begin with her breasts, followed by her buttocks, inner thighs and labia. Soon after, female partners are generally ready for their male partner to touch her vagina and clitoris. Use light strokes and/or circular motions with one or two fingers for one to ten minutes. If needed, lubricate your fingers with a marble-sized amount of good-quality lubricant that can be used internally.
When your female partner seems aroused, ask if she’d like and/or is ready for oral stimulation. If the answer is yes, have your female partner lie on her back, head on a pillow, and knees bent, with no pressure on her legs. Use a light touch with your tongue and, after one to five minutes, slowly insert one finger inside the vagina. The G spot is on the front wall of the vagina, about two inches inside the vaginal opening. Find this spot and gently rub. Your female partner may climax during this stage. Continue softly stimulating her with your tongue and mouth until she is finished with her climax. If you’re unsure whether she has climaxed, ask or wait for her to signal to you or pull you toward her.
If needed, re-lubricate your female partner’s vagina. If your male partner is using a condom, put the condom on for him. Begin entry of the penis, with your bodies in “missionary position”. Missionary position, or male partner on top, can provide the most G-spot stimulation for the female partner. To further increase your female partner’s arousal, insert the penis into the vagina slowly, staying there for 30 seconds to one minute; immediate thrusting can decrease arousal. This minute is the perfect time to express your care or affection. A woman who has little to no sexual experience may need her male partner to insert the penis about an inch or two into the vagina. After a minute, the male partner can pull out of the vagina, then re-insert the penis about an inch further. The female partner can physically or verbally indicate readiness for full entry. At this point, both partners can begin thrusting motions.
If the male partner climaxes quickly each time you have sex, help him last longer by slowing thrusting, or by pausing stimulation by pulling the penis out of the vagina for a minute or two. This can be a good time for the male partner to go back to fondling the female partner’s clitoris and vagina. If the female partner does not climax during sex, try to have the female partner feel more aroused during each subsequent sexual experience until she achieves an orgasm.
After sex, men typically feel sleepy, while women may need a time to “wind down” by being close and talking for five to ten minutes. Find the best compromise for your relationship.
- Understand the difference between a g-spot climax and a clitoral climax. A g-spot climax occurs when the male partner stimulates the g-spot with his fingers and/or penis. A clitoral climax happens when the male partner stimulates the clitoris with one or two fingers using light strokes and/or circular motions. Notice the difference in your partner’s climax depending on your technique. Aim to master both techniques, and help your partner achieve at least one kind of climax during each sexual experience.
- Re-invigorate your go-to sex techniques. If you are in a long-term relationship, review and practice these fundamentals. Notice any changes in your partner’s reaction and make a mental note of any successful techniques. Slip in these techniques when you need a change.
- Talk about it! Offer to share what techniques work best for you, and get answers to any questions, both from your partner and friends. Make sex a conversation—not a secret!