Most couples, when asked how they first met, recall mutual interests or mutual friends who brought them together. But when you ask a couple how they fell in love, they talk about chemistry. Chemistry is that special something, part physical, part emotional, that makes two people feel magnetically drawn to each other, and gives their relationship life. Two people might share the same deeply held personal values, have many interests in common, want the same things out of life, and even respect each other deeply; but without chemistry, they remain two separate people. It is chemistry that brings two separate people together into a relationship, and it is chemistry that reunites a couple after a difficult argument or months of one or both partners feeling alone and distanced from the relationship. Your chemistry is a powerful tool during physical and emotional connection but also, and perhaps more importantly, a way to support and heal your relationship during times of disconnect.
It is no surprise that couples with great chemistry are visually attracted to each other and even appear “sexy” to each other. But it may surprise you that chemistry encompasses smell, sound, and feel as well. Your partner’s smell, voice, eyes, and feel (both the way they touch you and what you experience when you touch them) all add to sexual attraction and therefore chemistry. It is truly a multisensory experience.
The beauty of chemistry is that it connects you to your partner not only during happy moments but also during times of stress in the relationship. That means the same actions that may make you feel sexual energy from your partner may also make you feel comforted or empowered. You may feel sexual attraction when your partner looks into your eyes during a moment of romance, but you may also feel comfort and strength when your partner looks into your eyes in the face of life’s challenges. One night you may be turned on by your partner’s voice on the phone, and then the next night find their voice comforting after a difficult day at work. And one of the most interesting facts, and also one of my favorites, is that patients undergoing painful medical procedures experience less pain when they hold their partner’s hand. That means those very hands that give you sexual pleasure may also help heal you while in pain.
Use the multisensory magic of your chemistry when you and your partner are separated by distance or by a disagreement to feel your power as a couple. Give sustained eye contact, and let your partner gaze into your eyes to find strength. Hug your partner for eight seconds or longer—or if counting the seconds feels forced, simply hug your partner longer than you would hug a friend or relative. Speak warmly to your partner, and use his or her name, rather than a pet name, and certainly not “Daddy” or “Mommy.” The warmth of your words is more important than getting the content right or explaining your side of an argument, or explaining how hard it is for you to be apart. Use the gift of your chemistry to help you feel like a couple and fall in love all over again.
- Touch after time apart. The first time you and your partner make love after being separated by distance or by an argument, include some special touches that your partner has enjoyed and appreciated in the past. This unites your past and your future as a couple.
- Use all your senses. Every time you make love with your partner, try to include at least one of the parts of your sexual chemistry. Use your gaze by looking your partner in the eye. Touch, voice, deep tasty mouth kissing, voice, and long sensual hugs all help you to remember how it first felt to discover your chemistry.
- Fight fair. The next time you and your partner have an argument, use at least one aspect of your chemistry, such as gaze, hugging, a warm tone of voice, or even just turning your body posture toward your partner instead of away, to communicate that even when you disagree on an issue, you are still a team, not opponents.