In a world where everything seems to be hurtling through space faster and faster, it feels really good to take time to deeply experience what matters most. Lovemaking permits time away from life’s fast-paced demands and allows partners to refresh and reenergize each other. When lovers take time to pleasure each other, focusing on each other’s favorite touches and words of love, and gaze deeply into each other’s eyes, time stands still, and they feel a deep union of body and spirit. Stretching out lovemaking time and creating the space for each stage of lovemaking allows partners to reexperience the days when they first fell in love, while at the same time moving their love story a step further in its maturity. You don’t have to book a resort vacation to discover slow-cooker sex in a fast-paced microwave world. All you need is the time and patience to retrain your mind and body to slow down.
For better or worse, most of us were taught that there is no better accomplishment than to complete tasks as quickly as possible. We constantly tell preschoolers to “hurry up,” so by the time they reach elementary school, that message has been absorbed and put into daily practice. Children know how to rush through schoolwork and meals, and are, many times, rewarded for such behaviors. The message is reinforced in teens, constantly being told to finish their dinner, their shower, and their homework quickly to allow for an earlier bedtime. In the adult world, we expect to understand the complexities of a new job within days of starting, unpack a new home within days of moving, and drive home from work just a little faster than the day before. The end result is that the task becomes more important than the person doing it. We end up feeling lost and lonely in the process, and our ability to appreciate ourselves can be stunted. Rushing through our everyday life and the resulting feelings are translated into the way you connect with your partner in the bedroom. Retraining your body and mind to slow down during lovemaking enhances your personal and intimate interactions with your partner.
To slow down, take time to notice each stage of the lovemaking process. One partner tends to jump into bed, while the other prefers to take more time within the first phase of lovemaking, the desire phase. The partner who already favors the desire phase can take the lead, guiding a time of flirting, love talk, and feeding each other something sweet. The second phase, foreplay, should include sexual touch for both partners, with an emphasis on taking the time for the woman to become highly aroused before the phase ends. The couple should be well into their lovemaking session before arousal (aka the time of entry), the third phase. In the climax phase, the fourth phase, a man may need his partner’s help to slow down his response, allowing him to last long enough for the climax phase to be unhurried. Good communication between the partners helps to let their partner know when they are ready to climax, and how they would like to be helped to reach climax. The last phase, reflection, allows for time for the couple to rest together and reflect on the experience. After a slow-cooker lovemaking session, partners feel a deep sense of togetherness, and a deeper appreciation for themselves. Slow-cooker living starts with a few small changes.
- Create free time. Arrive to appointments early to enjoy free time. Try to get to work or to an appointment ten minutes early to enjoy ten minutes of doing absolutely nothing. Slowing down during your everyday tasks and responsibilities will help you slow down in the bedroom.
- Notice your timing. Try to spend at least fifteen minutes in each lovemaking phase—desire, foreplay, arousal, climax, and reflection. Ask yourself if you rush through any of the phases, and make adjustments accordingly.
- Make a request. Ask your partner how you can help him or her savor each phase, and try something new to help your partner slow down. For example, you can help to make a female partner’s foreplay phase longer and more intense through oral sex, G-spot touching, and body massage. A man’s arousal phase can be extended by his partner using a lighter touch and smaller body movements after entry.