There’s no end of advice available in the media about new lovemaking techniques to try with your partner. While it’s great that the culture is more open about this kind of knowledge, there’s very little guidance out there about how to use this great advice. There’s an old saying that the difference between knowledge and wisdom is that knowledge is information, while wisdom is knowing how to use that information. There is a tendency to think that a couple needs to perform increasingly exotic techniques in order to keep their lovemaking exciting as well as to escape boredom with their usual lovemaking routine. The truth is that new sexual techniques do not need to be intricate or exotic. If you and your partner feel like you are in a rut, introduce new ideas into your lovemaking routine; simple techniques, when applied with sensitivity toward who your partner is and what they’re going through in their day-to-day life outside the bedroom, can take the relationship to the next level.
The first thing to consider is you and your partner’s attitude toward change. In most couples, one craves experimentation and variety, and the other craves routine and familiarity. So if your partner is the experimental one, rather than letting him or her be responsible for all the new ideas in the bedroom, you can be the one to plan something new. Planning will help you be more comfortable with the newness, because you’ve thought through the idea ahead of time. And the element of surprise will make your variety-loving partner feel cared for by you. If you’re the experimental one, and there’s something new you’d like to try (of course there is!), then talk about it with your partner at a time when you aren’t making love. This helps your partner to make an unpressured decision about your idea. Whispering your idea into their ear while you’re washing the dishes together, for example, can really heat things up for your creature-of-habit partner. Just remember to consider new techniques that you feel confident your partner will like, and still incorporate your partner’s favorite lovemaking techniques, too. Both considerations help a creature of habit relax and enjoy the total lovemaking session.
Couples forced to make changes in their lovemaking due to health problems or life stages may find trying new techniques helpful in continuing to nourish their sexual connection with their partner. Problems like male erectile dysfunction (ED), and perimenopause and postpartum lack of desire seem a little less daunting when new techniques are discussed in an open and pressure-free environment. Sometimes a health problem or real-world factor can force a creature of habit to be the one to come up with new ideas and suggestions, or it can seem to limit options for an experimental type. For example, a woman who in the past didn’t feel any interest in being stimulated orally by her partner might want to try it during perimenopause. A man with ED, when confronted with the limitations ED brings, may find it humbling to make changes in his lovemaking. A nursing mom might feel confused and put herself down when her sexual desire plummets, because she still loves her husband very much. In these types of situations, we are often harder on ourselves than others may be, especially where sexual performance is concerned. It’s natural to feel embarrassed, or too demanding, when talking about changes in lovemaking. But in the long run, it can help both of you to feel more alive and better connected as a couple.
- Find the best resources. Keep updated on the best sexual techniques and products for you and your partner’s gender, age, and life stage. Use sources you trust, such as well-reviewed books by professionals, or mainstream magazines with well-referenced articles.
- Never stop experimenting. Don’t watch too much porn, or rely too much on toys. Learn how to give and receive pleasure with your hands, tongue, and voice (and maybe a little lubricant).
- Accept change. Love it or hate it, accept that change is inevitable. Think about a change that you or your partner might need to adjust for in the next year, and use it as an opportunity to show each other how much you care.